Shy

I'm shy. I'm really, really shy. This is probably weird because I'm an actress (or I used to be) and I don't think twice about getting up on stage and doing silly things - like singing and dancing and that one time when I wore a sack made of spandex and ran around making funny noises.

But when it is outside the theater I'm a mime without the makeup (which I've done too).

It's been hard moving here, there, and everywhere as a military wife because every time I move I need to create a whole new network. Now that my job is staying home and playing with the baby it's even harder. I don't have "work" to make friends with and I don't have instant conversation starters. You'd think the baby would be a good topic, but really she's just a good distraction and/or annoyance. Conversations stop when you keep getting interrupted by thrown carrots.

Today I went to lunch with a bunch of moms and it seemed like we were going to get along. Except the conversation was so stilted. The topics fell flat: Where are you from? What do you like? What funny things do your children do? Each little thing would go for three or four minutes then it was crickets.

I think it was me. I felt uncomfortable and shy and increasingly sad. Thank goodness there was barbeque.

Being depressed doesn't help this - nor does this shyness help the depression. In order to get over the depression you're supposed to get out and meet people. In order to get out and meet people you need to really be over your depression. Otherwise you find yourself talking about baby sign language and then just stopping. No reason, you just stop talking, or stop hearing, or stop eating. And you don't notice till it's too late to re-engage. Then instead of restarting and trying again you find yourself wondering why can't you make friends. What's wrong with you. Why are you so unlovable.

And there it is again: Depression. Shyness and depression.