Cracking

I had a dream, more like a nightmare, about my ex-husband. In it he had come to our home (the one I share with my husband and daughter) and started to insist that we "duke it out" over what had happened in our marriage and divorce. He refused to leave until it was all out and he ended up living with us while we did.

It wasn't pleasant. In the dream he didn't look like he does in life. He looked like the man I used to see when I looked through the filter of love. He was taller, because I knew he always worried about being short, so I never saw him as anything but tall. He was thinner and his features were more defined. He was very handsome. I felt the same things I felt when I first saw him, without the passion. He was just looking, finally, like the man I knew he was inside. The man I was in love with for so long. The man I spent so many years trying to please by being someone else. Which is why, I think, the whole dream was me apologizing for all the things I did and didn't do that destroyed our marriage. Once or twice I asked him about some of the things that he had done, but because this was my dream and my subconscious, there were no answers. Not that there would be any in life.

The next day, in waking life, I inadvertently learned that my ex-husband was married and they seem to be quite happy. And active. They seem to be quite active. As I found out all the things they do together, saw pictures, I could literally feel myself breaking apart.

I spent years attempting to get my husband out of the house. Every time we did I would spend the whole trip apologizing. Apologizing for a hassle driving, or parking, or spending money, or a long line at the bathroom. Apologizing if people were rude. I would spend all day thanking him for doing something for me, thank him for pulling himself away from his things so we could do something together. And he would be grouchy. Once, on a big band cruise, he spent the whole dancing portion standing on the side, drinking, and glowering. Even when I was standing there waiting for him to be my partner.

The was pretty much our life. When he showed up, he glowered. Now, when he shows up with his new wife he apparently dances. In costume no less. And he smiles!

All of this should make me happy. After all I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home, a beautiful child. My life is great, why should my ex's life be wonderful too? Except it hurts. It hurts that all the work I did yielded nothing but pain and abandonment, but now he's willing. With someone else. I wonder what is so wrong with me, what is so terrible, that I am not worth the trouble. I'm not worth doing things with. I'm the kind of person that can't be loved. I'm unlovable. If he loved me wouldn't he have been able to have the marriage he has now with me?

This feels like a continuation of my horrible dream. I see what I wanted. What never existed, but what I had fooled myself into thinking it had and I blame myself. There is a lot to blame myself for, it's true, but not everything. My dream world is not the real world. The good stuff was never there. I was never married to the man I dreamed. Similarly, the fault is not all mine. I just wish my subconscious would get out of my real life and stop cracking me up.