Post postpartum depression

Emily is now 2 1/2 and Sarah is 7 months. When Emily was 7 months I was still in the twilight zone of PPD. I could see the happy, giggly baby before me, but I couldn't respond to her.

The more Sarah grows the more aware of how different parenting is when you are "normal." Sarah is a joy. Her milestones are awesome. Having her crawl all over me is lovely. She smells good. I like playing with toys with her and I get a kick out of finding new ways to engage her.

Similarly, Emily's stories are a thrill. Yesterday she told me a long story about how her dinosaur would help her open the door and then there would be grandma and baba! I loved all 30 minutes of this story.

Probably the most pronounced difference though is changing diapers. When Emily was little she would smile and giggle while I changed her. I realize now that while I thought I was interacting with her in fact I just stood there. There was no smile, no talking, no giggling on my end. Now with Sarah there is lots of giggling and talking and teasing while I change a diaper. I can physically feel the difference in my face muscles between now and before. It is a strange feeling to feel like both women in that moment. The one who is truly part of the world and the one that was behind a glass wall.

Not only is is strange feeling, it's a scary one. I always wonder if that depression will come back. Did I escape it since I didn't get depressed after Sarah? Or is it just waiting to come out late? When Emily goes to school and its just me and one baby again? Or when they both leave and I'm left with my husband? Or maybe when they both need me the most and suddenly I'll be stuck again. Behind a wall.

WIP Wednesday

This week has been great for my knitting. Since Im so darn close to yarn shops, with actual yarn in them, here I have got tons of projects going.

First, I'm super stoked to get the Jan Sweater, which was started back in April 2012, finished. Both bodice pieces are done and one sleeve is finished.

Second, I joined a one skein KAL this month and it has come out lovely. I wish I'd used a pink or red yarn, but the yellow and blue is sweet anyway.

Third, since my jan sweater is coming to an end I finally started a sweater for my kids. The baby gets an owl sweater in pink, which was casted on. The toddler will get the same in purple (she picked the color), and I get one in burgundy.

Matching owl sweaters? Yes please!

Diapers

Today Emily chose pull-ups for her diapers. Does this mean she's finally ready for potty training? I dunno. However, isn't it odd that, with all these busy days and much going on, this is the biggest most exciting part of today.

Maybe it's the feminist in me

My toddler was playing with the iPad the other day and opened my Words With Friends App. The next morning I realized she had started a game with a person I play with but don't know personally (He was a random opponent like a month ago and we just keep playing).

I thought that was funny, and I now have two games started with him so I sent a message explaining: "My toddler actually started this game!"

He responded: "Wow! He must be really smart!"

Yes...SHE is.

That's the hell of equality for women. This could be a simple mistake, or just an autopilot. It could mean nothing. Or it could mean that it's far more expected for a male toddler to be smart than for a female. Which is unacceptable. Seriously, from a woman who spent her childhood hearing "She's really smart for a girl" it is really, truly, unacceptable.

On the twelfth day of Christmas

I got a five month old who not only sits up, but can play on her own. Today I watched as my tiny little baby happily sat on the floor and played with her giraffe. No help from Mama. No need for her sister to hold her up. When did she decide to grow up?

Sometimes, like yesterday, I think only the big things are worth noting. Then I have a day where my kids remind me that just watching them growing up is big enough.

2013

I have tried this blogging thing many different times. It goes in fits and starts - I'd get pretty good at keeping up, then stop as other things distracted me. The biggest problem was when I ended up doing something just a little interesting I'd be to busy with it to blog about it. So mostly I've blogged about the more boring parts of my life and as it is a tiny life already that can mean pretty mundane blogging.

This year I will try to blog about the interesting stuff.

We started the new year in Las Vegas. That sounds more exciting that it was. We celebrated early with a birthday dinner for my grandmother-in-law. It was a fancy dinner at Nove Italiano on the top of the Palms hotel. I believe our family will be debating which dish was the best for years to come ( in our house we're still trying to decide between the Nove Spaghetti with seafood to the 45 day dry aged New York strip with balsamic glaze).

Speaking of our house: we are not in it. Well, not till June at least. My husband has a military thing to do in Monterey, CA and we have moved all four of us out here for the next few months. The plan is for my husband to not miss the the baby's big milestones and to have a bit of an adventure as a family. So far I've been in Monterey for four days and I love it. We're enjoying the cold weather, so different from our home in Ewa, and I love the view of the ocean. I look forward to the trips and adventures that are so close to our little temporary home.

I also look forward to getting a chance to write about it and reflect on how awesome my life can be at times.

Yarn Along 9

I am not sure if it's just the second trimester energy bump or simple mania, but I have been a knitting/reading fool this week.

I just saw "The Hunger Games" at the theater (a trip to the movies without my toddler which was so, very, thrilling) and now that I have I feel comfortable reading on to the next books in the series.

I also have started one of those girly-feel-good-books.  I tried one a few month ago trying to make a story of strange women becoming fast friends all by being into yoga.  It kinda sucked.  This time I'm reading one about strangers becoming fast friends all by being into walking.  "The Wildwater Walking Club" is not that bad.  It's sorta cute and sorta annoying all at the same time.  My mother keeps getting me these books, so I'll keep reading them.  Even if they aren't the best.

In other news, after weeks of fighting with Interweave to send me something to me actual address instead of some random address they decided I must live at I finally got a copy of their Jane Austen 2011 special issue.  A lot of it is obviously warm weather stuff and I don't care.  I'm making every single thing in that magazine.  All 36 patterns.  (P.S. The articles are also really good if you're into the history of fashion and knitting.)

On the needles...what's not on the needles?  I still have the baby dress going.  Only 20 more rounds till it's finished.  I expect to bind off sometime tomorrow.  On Saturday my husband and I are hoping to go to a party themed around "white" so I made him a white superhero mask (just finished blocking it) and I'm making me a fascinator hat.

It's from an issue of "Knitting Today!"  I saw on ravelry that lots of people tried this pattern but got annoyed at the amount of i-chord it required.  I thought they were crazy.  Then I re-read the pattern:  4 yards of i-chord.  144 inches.  Ugh.  I'm 2.5 yards in and I am quite frankly sick of making i-chord.  And I used to think it was so much fun.  In other news...my toddler just LOVES playing with the yard stick.  So much so that when I use it to find out how far I've gotten she throws a huge fit.  Even if she wasn't playing with it at the time.  Mommy is not allowed to have the yard stick.

Other projects:  Practicing my crocodile stitch in crochet and attempting to put it over a paddle.  Working on two shawls, one in thread and one with said crocodile stitch.  And I decided to re-start the Jan Sweater in earnest...which I didn't do at all because I was making i-chord.  But I decided to be earnest about it.

I also discovered the "que" portion of ravelry, which means I have set up a bunch of new projects and designated my stash yarn to them.  Which is probably better than me just casting on another project...I'm planning to cast on another project.  However, it's not as satisfying.

So that's my crazy knitting mania week.